My Story: Part 2 The Abuse

I very clearly remember the first time he made me feel uncomfortable. I was 19 maybe 20. He came into my room early one morning while I was still in bed, put his hand under the covers and rubbed my back. I felt like my space had been invaded. 

Later that day I went for a walk. I was struggling. I kept asking myself what had happened? Should I tell her? Was what he did wrong? And if not, why did I feel violated? At the end of the walk I decided that he would never do me harm and that what had happened was a difference in culture. Like how I never lounged in my pjs on Saturday’s and he did. Besides, he was providing a roof over my head, food for my belly, and a whole new life and lifestyle. If anything, I was indebted to him. He’d saved my life. So I decided to trust him. 

Looking back I now see how for the next five years after this incident, he groomed me. He took advantage of my trust and slowly broke down the barriers that normal, healthy relationships have. Completely silencing my alarm bells. He went from rubbing my back under my covers to crawling into my bed and spooning with me. I remember I asked him about it and he said that he did it with his sisters and that I was his sister too. Again, those little alarm bells were silenced because I chose to trust. Again. 

That time he gave me a hickey and I got angry, I told her. I also told her that he had made me remove clothes because he wanted to “bless me” by giving me a back massage because I had such a bad back. The thing is though, I only told her because he was mad at me for getting mad at him about the hickey. I was so convinced by this point that he wouldn’t let me do anything inappropriate that even though I had a tiny check in my spirit, I chose to trust his motives yet again. She was livid. I hadn’t seen her so angry before. Not just with him but with me as well. I think her response is what kept me from going to her when things got really bad. 

I’m not going to go into detail. I feel it really isn’t necessary. But after that instance things got even worse. He began coming into my room at 4am and touching me inappropriately. At first I didn’t move. I was barely even awake. I then decided to just let him do whatever because, what could I do about it? Then I’d get angry and tell him to leave me alone. Or I’d threaten to tell, to which he’d inform me that she would believe him, it would ruin my reputation and that he’d tell everyone that it was consensual. I realized I had no choice but to just allow it to continue. 

During this time there were other things happening in life. A friend was shot and killed, another came home from out of the country pregnant, I was teaching school to church kids. Something I had never done before. It was all I could do to keep my mind straight. 

He would often tell me that if I were more submissive he wouldn’t do these things to me. Or that it was all about “serving” me. That he got nothing out of it. He would also say that if I would refuse him properly he’d leave me alone. None of that worked, so I began to believe that it was my fault. That yes it was consensual. I would stay up half the night begging God to change me. But yet it all still kept happening. I was afraid to sleep in a room by myself, or to be alone with him. You see, if I didn’t do or allow him to do what he wanted, he would get angry and refuse to speak to me until I would apologize. You’re probably thinking, “What’s so bad about that?” Well, for someone like me, that is the best kind of psychological punishment. I am a people pleaser. I don’t like upsetting people and will go to great lengths to make sure there isn’t conflict and if there is, it gets resolved as soon as possible. However, his silent treatment punishments didn’t end there. If we were around people he would still not talk to me, but he’d bash me in front of whoever we were around. Most thought it was all jokes. But I knew differently. 

This went on for nearly 2 years. Until he (I later realized) raped me. Afterward I wept and told him he had turned me into a whore. He never touched me sexually again and a couple months later my friend came forward with claims against him. 

I still struggle with sorrow that I didn’t believe her or have her back. Looking back I see how he had spun story after story about her and her own struggles so that if and when she would come forward, no one would believe her. He also made sure to spin negative stories about those who were trying to hold him accountable for his actions. 

Twice during all this, I was asked if he had ever abused me. I said no. The reason I said no was because I was led to believe it was all consensual. He told me that saying no was the correct thing to do and that the reason he was “taking the fall” for  the accusations from my friend was because he was allowing himself to be punished for what happened to me. He then packed up the family and moved to VA. 

I planned to follow to VA after the school year ended. I was under the belief that he was innocent and that everyone was out to get him, etc. But then things started to shift in my head. I began to question what he had done. I would hear from others about how concerned they were about the ridiculous amount of control he had over my life and I began to entertain the thought that maybe he had abused me. So I told a friend. Her shock and horror at what had happened to me confirmed my suspicions. 

You’re probably wondering why I’m coming out with this extremely personal and traumatic story. Maybe you’re wondering if it is for some sort of recognition or revenge even. I assure you it’s for neither. The choice to come forward has been hard. I have agonized over what to say and what not to say. You see, my abuser is not just a random person. In fact he’s family. His name is CC and he’s married to my sister. 

I am going public for a few reasons. 

1. If he has abused two of us, it’s very likely there are others and I want to give them the courage to step up, come forward and take back the power stolen from them. But most importantly to find healing. I’m also hoping that my story will give any abuse victims the courage to come forward and name their abuser and pursue healing no matter who it is. 
2. There is major concern for how the church they ave been apart of is handling the situation. Last we had spoken with them, they wanted to believe his side of the story that everything was consensual and they also want to believe that he is repentant. To the latter of those, repentance is followed by action and the actions of true repentance is to make things right. There has been nothing like that happening.
3. Until he can be held accountable as an abusive predator, other women are in danger.
4. Most importantly I worry for my sister and her emotional and spiritual well being. 

I end this part of my story asking you to rally with me in prayer. Pray for healing, for eyes to be opened and for the power he has over people to be shattered. Pray against the powers of darkness. The more battles they “win” the more damage is done. 

Thank you all for your support!

-Sarah