Deborah's Story

I would like to introduce you to my best friend. Her name is Deborah. We’ve been friends for 11 years. Or maybe I should say 8 years, because for 3 of those, I wasn’t a friend to her when she needed me the most. Instead I believed the lies about her and I ran. Those years between 2013-15 are a messy blur. So much happened and was happening and we couldn’t tell each other. That has changed. 

In September/October of last year (2018)when I told her my story, she graciously forgave me. My husband and I drove down to NC for a weekend and we talked, and I’m pretty sure we cried some. We ended that weekend with a massive dose of healing and a renewed friendship. I know it’s not always easy for her. But this woman is not only strong and full of faith, but she’s also full of grace. I admire her so much!

In the following, Deborah will tell her story. It’s raw and painful to read but it is proof that Jesus is Healer and Redeemer! If you are a victim, I pray for you the courage to stand up and speak out. It is when we do so that the Healer meets us and begins his work! 

TRIGGER WARNING:

Some of you have heard my story involving one of the (back then) pastors of my church, but in light of more things being exposed about him, I know the time has come to make it public.

So, here is my story and I will strive to tell it honestly.

Things look different now than they did back then.

I can now see more clearly what kind of abuse this was:

       Manipulating and all kinds of deceitful.

Did I enjoy some of the things he did?

Yes.

Was it ever consensual?

Yes, eventually and occasionally some of it was.

Did I ever “come onto” him?

No, I can honestly say I never did. 

Here is my story regarding my relationship with CC:

I had known him for years before anything happened. He and his family would come over to my family’s house at different times for picnics, volleyball, etc.

I worked for the same company he did.

I never really got bad vibes from him.

He was a friendly, brotherly type.

My best friend lived with his family and I liked their family a lot.

It was when I returned home from Honduras, pregnant and emotionally unstable that he came to me and told me I was welcome at their home anytime. They were willing to help me through this hard time in my life and would be there for me. 

To be honest, I was at a very low place in my life.

I’d given up on God.

I had so much shame.

I had been so hurt.

A lot.

So many bad things had happened in my life and I made a lot of bad choices in Honduras...sleeping around with guys which eventually ended in a pregnancy for me. So, when I got home I was at a very low place in my life. 

I think it was the second night I had returned from Honduras, I was invited over to his house and they had other people over. I remember it being so comfortable and chill. 

Soon I found myself going back to their house often. He would put a movie on for me in his office and sometimes I would just end up sleeping over and spending the next day with Jenna.

I felt very comfortable and safe there.

Now that I’m looking back, I should have seen all the red flags, but I didn’t.

It started with hugs. He would hug me often saying things like, I probably never got a hug from a guy like he would give me...etc, and he was right.

Going on about three weeks since my return from Honduras, he invited me to go on the job with him.

He worked for Choice Books and I had formerly worked there as well, so when he asked me to go along with him, I was excited. He told me that it would give me something to do instead of sitting around thinking too much.

I remember this day very distinctly because it felt as if it would never end. I felt like I was at his mercy.

All day he interrogated me about all the guys I had slept with. Wanting every detail, telling me it was good for me to talk about. It made me uncomfortable.

He then told me to lie down and show me how they had “done it”.

I remember him coming on to me strong.

Saying I was a slut.

Then he pulled out his credit card and said, “You could make a lot of money doing this.”

I remember I started to cry and he quickly got off me saying it was nothing, he was just showing me what other guys do.

It kept going on like this all day.

I remember feeling trapped.

I was pregnant, sick and honestly I had no interest sexually.

I wanted out, but all day he kept telling me he cared for me and that he and Jenna would be there to help me. Which was what I was craving so it left me feeling very confused.

We came home that evening and I couldn’t face Jenna. I wondered how she was not suspicious something happened because I avoided eye contact at all cost.

I don’t remember how long it was after this.

I don’t know why I didn’t stay away, but I ended up back at his house sleeping on the couch again and hanging out.

It was then that he started coming in the middle of the night. I would wake up to him touching me. He would bring a snack because if I didn’t eat I would throw up (because of my morning sickness. This was happening while I was pregnant!)

He would whisper in my ear he loved me and would kiss me. 

This happened often and each time he told me that nothing was wrong with it. He wanted me to learn to say “no” to guys, so this is why he was doing what he was doing. Now I see how ridiculous it all was. 

He would say he’s gonna treat me well because other guys hadn’t.

Now I realize he had no respect for me or my child and didn't treat me well at all.

I was at the mercy of his abuse.

I remember being so confused because I didn’t ask for him to touch me, I would just wake up to him doing things to me.

I would say “no” but he would whisper in my ear terrible things until I finally said yes.

I don’t remember exactly the time frame, but he started having sex with me. After every time he would tell me it wasn’t sex and I foolishly believed him. 

The confusion continued, because he would say he wouldn’t stop until I stood up for myself and said “no” to guys. 

This seemed to be his goal.

He became my security. I texted him about everything and anything.

I soon felt like I couldn’t live without him. 

This was his goal.

This continued through 7 months of pregnancy.

I found myself doing crazy things, listening to him, doing whatever he told me to do, as if I didn’t have a mind of my own and I began to like it.

Around this time, I took his idea of  “making money for sex” and started meeting guys online and sleeping with them. This became a deep issue and bondage in my life.

He knew this and would get so upset and mad.

I went into labor after another night with him.. He was very rough and forceful that night and he did it with the intent to put me in labor. The next day I had my Mia.

After she was born, I remember him asking, “When are you gonna be ready?”

I knew exactly what he meant.

I kept pushing him off, but three weeks after I had Mia, I found myself driving to a hotel with my baby to meet him. I had given into the constant pressure and told him “I’m good.” He had said he would treat us to dinner if we came and so I did, but we never got dinner.

Things continued. This time with my child laying beside me on the bed or on the ground. 

Inside my heart was breaking. He was my child’s “godfather” and yet I felt like he was ruining our lives. There were times I couldn’t believe my life was reality. It felt like a dream.

There was a time when I was in need of money. All of a sudden I had a baby to provide for as well, so he said he’d give me some money if I’d send him pictures of myself. I think it was like five dollars for a picture and every time I’d send a picture, he’d send me money through the Cash app on my phone. 

I was living at my sisters’ house, so whenever I was there at night (which I did more frequently now that I had a child), he would often show up in the middle of the night and I’d find him at my bedroom door, which was an entrance from the outside. 

I remember telling him I didn’t want to do this anymore, but he kept saying we weren’t doing anything. Yet, other times he would tell me no one would believe me. I had nothing to lose and he was the pastor and no one would believe little me.

One night he came to my house and my friend Sarah (his sister-in-law) was sleeping there too.

He told me he was gonna go get Sarah and we would have a threesome. He asked me if I would ever want to sleep with Sarah or another girl and I always said “no”.

He would make crude comments about Sarah and I sleeping together.

I remember after this, I asked him if he had ever done anything with Sarah and he would always deny it but I never believed him.

By now I was in so much turmoil. I wanted so badly to get out of this relationship, but had no clue how.

He felt so safe and I felt insecure if I felt much distance from him and so I kept coming back for more.

I actually felt like he loved me because he said he did. He told me if his wife ever died that he would marry me. Yet now looking back, it was just his way to keep me quiet or to make me believe he did love me.

To make a long story short, he found a couple in Virginia, and suggested I go live with them and get some help as I was still sleeping with guys for money.

I knew this was a way to get out and I knew he wanted me away as well and so I agreed to go.

Although I was away living in Virginia, he and I would text back and forth and when I would visit North Carolina, I would stay with him and so it continued to be an endless cycle. 

I remember one night I had enough. I was texting him, this was the night I ran away from the couple I had been staying with. I ended up getting arrested that night and temporarily lost custody of my daughter. I nearly lost custody long term when the couple I was staying with filed for custody of Mia, without informing any of my family members.

I was in jail nearly two weeks before my parents bailed me out. 

At this time CC didn’t really seem to want to help me with my court cases, custody of Mia, or anything. He pretty much stayed out of it. To me it felt like he suddenly didn’t care. Yet, his home was still open to me and I found myself there again.

I remember the last time with him. He came in while I was sleeping and whispered in my ear all the things he always did, with me saying “no” multiple times. He didn’t take me seriously and was very forceful with me. He wouldn’t talk to me for a while after this incident and this hurt me.

At this time, I started asking him lots of spiritual questions. He never answered them, but soon advised me to talk to the other pastor in my church and so I did. This was a step that changed my life.

I started getting free from some of the junk in my life. 

The other pastor encouraged me to go get counseling in South Carolina and that made CC mad. He did everything to convince me that the counselor was “off” and that the pastor was “off” too, but I went anyway.

The whole time I was getting counseling in South Carolina, he texted and FaceTimed me, keeping close tabs.

I stopped replying to his calls and texts because I ended up confessing everything that had been going on. Hallelujah!

Finally, my relationship with CC Matthews ended.

Through the power of Jesus Christ, I have found so much freedom since then.

I have finally found people whom I can trust and who care for my heart. People who have poured into me showing me what true love looks like. It’s been through them that I can truly know what my Heavenly Father’s love feels like. 

I feel this is an important part of my story to share because of the drastic change that took place in my heart and life. 

Under CC's “help” my life was dark, depressing, and in a lot of turmoil. 

Under DK & Linda’s help, with their care for my heart, helping me fight those battles and helping me trust again, my life took a change for the better. The drastic change to me in the same church is a miracle and I’m so thankful for the people who stepped in and helped me find freedom.

I was deeply scarred by CC. A so-called “Godly” man whom I thought I could trust only to realize he had other intentions.

Trusting again has taken time and effort, but my heart is healed.

I am made new!

I am alive!

Sharing this story is part of my journey and I hope it may help others who have also been impacted, share as well. 

 Also, my heart & prayer is for him to find full repentance, complete healing & restoration.

-Deborah