My Story: Part 1 The Growing Up Years

THE FOLLOWING POST WAS WRITTEN BACK IN SEPTEMBER OF LAST YEAR. 

Hello, my name is Sarah, and I am a survivor of sexual abuse and rape, and this is my story of redemption, God's endless grace and his purpose. But first I want you to know that what I will be telling you about me does in no way define who I am, nor am I victim of malicious intentions. Instead I am a survivor. I am only telling you so that you can see how utterly kind and merciful the Father is.

GROWING UP:
This portion of my story will probably be the hardest part to tell. I intend to speak with kindness and respect, however I feel that it helps the rest of my story make sense.

I was born in Denver CO to an unwed mother and she chose to give me up for adoption. I was in at least two foster homes that I know of before finally being adopted at nine months by a family in Idaho. I went from a nervous and fearful foster child, to a loved and happy Foster girl. But still fearful.

Now I want to take a moment and say that my growing up years were not bad. We lived on 140+ acres of woods, fields, creeks and roads perfect for biking. We worked hard, and yet found time to travel, and have fun. My younger siblings and I spent hours playing in abandoned cabins and vehicles on the vast property. We biked everywhere and spent hours taking in the views from hour place. One of the things I miss the most from my growing up years in Idaho is the wildflowers....trilliums, indian paint brushes, buttercups and so much more. Yes, my childhood had a lot of happiness.

However, I was a very insecure child. For some reason we have no clue as to why, I had a bad habit from infancy to curl up on my knees with my head in my hands and rock back forth at night to get to sleep and often to even stay asleep. I recall being afraid of the dark and of thunderstorms and the only way I could cope was to curl up and rock myself back to sleep. My parents tried everything to get me to stop to no avail. As I got older, my friends and other children found out and I remember children not wanting to play with me. Was it because of that? I don't  know.  It wasn’t until my 11th year that the rocking stopped. But through those first years of my life I remember wanting so badly to fit in and being willing to be or act in whatever way I could to do so. I was terrified of not being loved and accepted.

ADOLESCENCE:
Adolescence and my teen years were a tough stage for me. Puberty hit me like a mac truck. With it came body odor, the inability to dress or do my hair properly and a flood of emotions and tears. You see, natural deodorants were what my family used, yet they didn't work for me and I was very allergic.  I felt like I could never smell fresh and clean and that I had to have been the most unattractive human alive. Plus, I was thin, lanky and uncoordinated. I remember trying to learn to play volleyball and I would get hit in the face with the ball more than I actually hit it. And the tears? Oh my, they appeared all the time, and yet my mom and sisters who were/are some of the strongest, toughest women I know didn’t cry about everything like I did. I began to believe I wasn't very strong either.

I became so angry in my early teen years. My family had been badly hurt and wounded by some major church drama. We had been kicked out of a church my dad had started twice. It changed everyone. Around the same time we bought a rundown greenhouse for a family business. Lets just say I don't see myself encouraging my husband that we should start a family business in our future. It was so much work! Plus, my dad was also working 4 hours away in Spokane for part of that time. That's when I began to create an alternate reality, and when I noticed the neighbor kid with the blond hair and that beautiful black Toyota pickup. I was so angry at that time and I wanted out of my life. If he would have given me the time of day (which I don't know why he would have, I was this funny looking child that wore very conservative clothes and worked in dirt all day) I would have given him everything. I thank God to this day for protecting me.

TEENS:
When I was fourteen I found and chose Jesus. He took away my anger and my fear of punishments. Growing up I was an avid liar and I am sure that my mom could have worked for the government or something back then and been a fantastic interrogator, because I trained her well. When I met and encountered Jesus, my desire and ability for telling lies disappeared, as did "The Hulkette." But so much of that pain didn't go away. I did begin to make friends, though. Some of those kids who wouldn't play with me as a child became some of my best friends, shelters and rocks during my teen years. If you are reading this, you know who you are and I want you to know that I will always be so grateful for you.

My teen years were dark. I grew up fast. There were so many wars between my parents and my older sisters. Then the one sister got married and the other moved to CO. I was left home to help run not just the one family business but also the new one. The coffee shop. I was also running the home as well. That first fall that my sisters were gone, which is also the fall I met Jesus, my mom got pneumonia. One of the scariest times of my life. My childhood ended there at fourteen. Two years later the second sister got married as well. She was my safe person. 

When I was seventeen I encountered a heartbreaking and gut wrenching situation. I am not going to go into details, but it sent me into a dark depression and that alternative reality became a necessity. It was the only way I could function. I honestly believed that I was the cause of that awful situation. I believed that my mother who was still hurting from the church situation and was hurting in this one as well, blamed me. And me, the person who had always been insecure believed that she probably didn't love me very much either. The anger started to come back and with it came suicidal thoughts. From there I began to feel as though I was coming up on a complete mental breakdown and even had a moment where I came very close to committing suicide.

I finally got the courage to tell a couple of my siblings and the next thing I knew I was leaving home and a few days later I found myself in NC with my sister and her husband. My relationship with my parents was terrible for the next three years. I felt as though my sister and brother-in-law had rescued me from the darkness I was in and gave me a chance at healing. 

Eventually my relationship with my parents began to heal. I can honestly say that my mom is one of my closest friends. I am so thankful for her and am so honored that I get to call her “Mom!” 

TO BE CONTINUED:

-Sarah